Four

Totally ranting as usual.




`Someone` made me think a lot about myself and I realized something new about me.
Like, I am not as friendly as I think I am or I think negatively a lot than before or

the fact that I am afraid to fall in love.

Ironically, I did swear to myself that I will never afraid of falling down, never afraid of taking chances but then, I am still afraid of it.
I am afraid to let someone to reach deep down my inner self.
The one that I am hiding from other people.
I am afraid of losing myself.
I am afraid of crying again and again.
I am afraid of taking chances.

Basically, I am not that complex at all.
I am just a normal girl. A girl you usually meet everywhere, a girl without anything special, a normal cliche girl.

But, the normal, cliche girl became someone complex as she is afraid to show people who she is.
She is afraid of letting people into her heart.

I tell you a secret.
I am not that strong.
Just that I tend to deny the signs or the reactions.
Making me the biggest dumb ever.
I keep saying to myself that that I will be Okay
That I will meet that someone someday.
But am I going to meet him ever?
if I still dont want to open my little heart up?
But if I am okay,
why did I wrote and published this?

I think, deep down my heart, I want people to understand me.

on the other side,
ここにいると、段々寂しくなってる。また何かがあったのかな?
早く卒業したい。
泣かないで。後もうちょっとだから。
時々思ってるよ。
日本に来て、良かったかな?
何か、良くないことばっかりがあるから。
他の人に嫌われてるし、自分の態度も変わったし、他の人の気持ちを傷つけるし…
無理なんだけど、昔の単純な私に戻りたい。
ここに来て、何か理由とかあるのかな?
帰国したい
でも、そんなに早く諦めたら、私じゃないでしょう?
きっと、後もうちょっといれば、ここに来る理由を見つけるかもしれない。
我慢して。
諦めないで。
絶対、日本に来て、素敵な意味があるから。
泣かないで。
みんなはどうされても我慢して。
見えないようにして。
聞いてないようにして。
わからないようにして。
絶対大丈夫。